Having and Developing Good Social Skills
Posted: Friday, June 12, 2009
by Alex Elkholy
In my time I've gone from being a total loser who couldn't get a friend if I tried, to going out every weekend and having fun with friends.
If you need a total reshaping of your skills, then this is for you. If you want to get some tips, or just solidify what you already know, then it's still good. Because our biggest threat isn't progressing slowly or wrongly, but rather not trying to progress at all. There's a reason people who have to consciously learn skills (as opposed to people who have them at a level where they don't have to improve) tend to end up better than everybody else: because they practice, even beyond requirements.
I've had to learn a lot about socializing and interacting with people. Reading a lot of good advice and a lot of bad advice, but of all the little tricks and tips I've read, the most valuable knowledge was what I earned from experience. The experience gained from spending a lot of time consciously trying to improve has taught me the most.
But don't think that nothing can be learned by reading the advice of others. That's how I started out entirely. What you can learn from reading is awareness, and this is probably the single greatest aspect that will help you in life. More practically, this can mean that you are conscious of other people's reactions, it can mean you know of your own cognitive delusions, etc. Information will help you make better decisions.
There's a reason that I say this. When you go out into real life situations, the second biggest problem is probably going to be remembering to do something different (the first is overcoming your fear, but this is beyond the scope of this article). Being aware of the situation at hand forces you to think and make conscious decisions. This can aid you in developing or breaking habits.
If you'll notice something here, developing awareness helps you with what? Going out into the field practicing.
In fact, it has been an ingrained habit of mine now to evaluate almost every social encounter and see how I did. It's funny, what I would have considered "amazingly good" a couple of years ago are not "Not good enough". You can see how this leads me to constantly improve. When you get into it, you can't help it. You see something off, so you correct it. And this right here is what separate the "good" people from the "amazing" people.
Enthusiasm / Fun
My best times have always been the most fun ones. All the fun I have and bring others has always been born from my enthusiasm and upbeat energy. The way I see it, I have two "modes". There's my low energy state, which I usually have at home by myself playing games or something, and my high energy state, which I try to get myself into before interacting with people.
It's common (probably because of television) to think that the "Joe Cool", which is a sort of unresponsive and laid back coolness, is pimp. However I can tell you from experience that this sort of cool most certainly is not pimp. In fact it is the opposite of pimp. When doing this the person will become a kind of black hole, so to speak, where he takes energy from others. It is simply boring and therefore not fun.
The reason I mention the above is twofold. One to warn you against it, and second to contrast it. I suggest doing the opposite. You must instead give energy and enthusiasm to others. To be the life of the party is pimp. It's really a habit you have to train in yourself. For example, in the car on the way to someplace I'll turn some of my really fast and awesome songs to get myself going. Anything I can do to get myself pumped.
Focus on success. Success = fun.
I've found that when you cannot have fun or cannot be positive, it's because you will be too caught up in thinking. Thinking about how much you can drink, how much you can spend, how you're going to get a ride home, or even how badly you're doing with these people.
This is your left brain thinking and taking dominance. You're trying to be logical and analytical in a situation that requires the opposite. Your right brain should instead be in control. This right brain is what your feeling is, it's your instinct.
To give an example, if you're in the middle of the road and you see a car, your left brain thinks "Get out of the way.", your right brain thinks "Pretty lights." It's the difference between seriousness and light heartedness. The later type of thinking is generally better for social interactions, as it facilitates the fun and enthusiasm you need.
In conclusion:
Know that while advice helps boost your awareness, experience is what makes progress.
Know that eventually it become a cycle, where your confidence and knowledge help to improve your skills and your skills improves your confidence and knowledge.
Know that when you're enthusiastic and maintain a high positive energy, people will feed on it. You will be giving value to everybody.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Great article, Alex, I'm glad to see someone writing about it actually. There are tons of people that have difficulty being very social, and I used to. Much like you said, I learned from experience. And also like you said, the happier and more confident you are, the more others will communicate with you and enjoy your company. Great advice, thanks for sharing.
Great article, Alex, I'm glad to see someone writing about it actually. There are tons of people that have difficulty being very social, and I used to. Much like you said, I learned from experience. And also like you said, the happier and more confident you are, the more others will communicate with you and enjoy your company. Great advice, thanks for sharing.
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